And there it is

And there it is,
and then it's gone
again.

Sum ergo cogito

So I am...is it me,
Or do I think it's me?

I am longing to meet this future me,
A shadow of the future future me,
Surely not through looking back,
The one, the true one I once met
surely not through regret,
nor anger, not, yet.


And there it is, again, like a ghost,
a shadow, a feeling of a sensation, lost.
Found, lost and found again.
And this pain, a new pain.

Terror, anxious thoughts of diseases and death
Of falling apart and gasping for breath,
Thoughts of having such thoughts
All of this not helping,
Just need to pause and let go, positive thoughts,
That's helping.

Dancing, ungracefully riding, rising, falling
The fun of this horror; the hormonal roller coaster
And so be it, all the good stuff,
The avo wrap, the golden pill,
the Nero D'Avola, Nero coffee,
And more cavolo, and more coffee
Greens and green tea, toxins, out, toxins, in
In and out the dusty blue belles.

To sleep, perchance to cream;
Serum, argan, anti age,
Hey I just wanna scream
Like a lioness in a cage

Here's a crazy thought
Here's a scary thought

There, it is...now is gone
Please, please tell me now
Singing Simon Le Bon
Is there something I should know?

Pause

Unwind, rewind
Forward, stop
Pause
Gathering, re-centering
Making space, expanding
Yet still ...this tightness...

Centrifugal spinning
Inwards, deep
Then, outwards
Shot, thrown out of orbit

For this body
Splattered, broken
Smithereens
Fragile particles, split
Torn, wringed, chewed and spat out
Fallen into a deep well
Or as in quicksand

This body, not my body
Nobody told me it would be
Like this, and no one can see
what is like inside me
The invisible, rotten, broken,
Soul and body
Body and soul
Forgotten skin, coolness, tightness
Now, softened, expanded
Particles, floating, floating
Bloating, Gaseous molecular nebulae
Cloudy, my head, cotton wool
Blotchy, blurry, dizzy
Marshmallow dimples, cellular disintegration
Cramping sensation, my body
This body, this body?
Lost, and found, battered
Can someone tell me when and how
I can start mending?

Let the colours show

Let the colours show
Allow true feelings out
Without the needing to shout
I am lost and heavy and broken

The heart embracing

Find the strength for recreating

Golden stream of light 
Warmth spreading glowing bright

Create and mould from pure essence within
The outer layers becoming heavy 
Cracking, breaking

Needing restoring
From inside, out
Shifting, shredding
Then
Gathering, nourishing
Loving, loving, loving
Tenderness and caring

Slowing down, and really listening
Listening, listening, listening

I am here, still, find me





“Everything is as it needs to be for I am light and love.
 I am right where I need to be for I am light and love. 
As I accept, I cleanse, and as I cleanse, I am free. 
I am light and love.”




From this month of August 2018 I am going to write a journal through words, verses, and quotes, to guide me through my journey as a woman going towards the Menopause; I would like to look back and see how it was, because, I am only hoping to get through to the other side feeling like the new person I am trying to find.

Here I am, hear me...

Here I am
Hear me
Near me
The fire is burning me
This fire
My fire, my essence, myself
Wearing me out
Dragging me down

Life forces and juices sucked out
I bare, I share, I open then what?
I hide deep, I lie still, I take it
And take it, and take it
Until I breath in the woman
And breath out the girl
What wondrous creation
Within creation
Not a child
No more
A Goddess, not less
My wild, Divine
At the core

This Fire
Burning inside,
Feeding the transformation
Hot spilling, rising, energizing
Flushing out the old patterns
Reviving and healing
Through this darkness of Change
Into the new light

Going through the tides
Through this strangeness she rides
The Moon guiding
The Earth supporting
Phoenix rising
Body and Soul
In this journey

Oh in this dance I fear
Oh in this dance I trust

Oh Mother, oh Earth
Guide me through and share
Your power
Oh Sister, my Moon
Make me dream
Bathe me in your wisdom

I surrender
I open
I wait

September again

Sweet memories of past
How the old went
And the new came fast
Those things that meant
A whole new world, now, again
And again as if erased
But its smell lingered
The joy and the pain
A bit hazy as if dazed
Yet the new became suddenly sharper
Like the feel of rubber and the pencil sharpner
The new book, the new promises told
New clothes, new secrets I hold
My heart is light and my mind is fresh
My spirit pure in my new flesh.
September creeps in with sun and sand
The wind sweeps in it takes your hand
Courage and strength now more than ever
Guiding me through until the colder weather

Susannah

Land of the Silver Birch

Land of the silver birch
Home of the beaver
Where still the mighty moose
Wanders at will
Blue lake and rocky shore
I will return once more
Boom-diddy-ah-da, Boom-diddy-ah-da, Boom-diddy-ah-da, bo-oo-oom

High on a rocky ledge
I'll build my wigwam
Close to the water's edge
Silent and still
Blue lake and rocky shore
I will return once more
Boom-diddy-ah-da, Boom-diddy-ah-da, Boom-diddy-ah-da, bo-oo-oom

My heart grows sick for thee
Here in the lowlands
I will return to thee hills of the north
Blue lake and rocky shore
I will return once more
Boom-diddy-ah-da, Boom-diddy-ah-da, Boom-diddy-ah-da, bo-oo-oom

Swift as a silver fish
Canoe of birch bark
By mighty waterways, Carry me forth
Blue lake and rocky shore
I will return once more
Boom-diddy-ah-da, Boom-diddy-ah-da, Boom-diddy-ah-da, bo-oo-oom

High as an eagle soars
Over the mountains
My spirit rises up, free as a bird
Blue lake and rocky shore
I will return once more
Boom-diddy-ah-da, Boom-diddy-ah-da, Boom-diddy-ah-da, bo-oo-oom

Land of the silver birch
Home of the beaver
Where still the mighty moose
Wanders at will
Blue lake and rocky shore
I will return once more
Boom-diddy-ah-da, Boom-diddy-ah-da, Boom-diddy-ah-da, bo-oo-oom

The Song Of Wandering Aengus - Poem by William Butler Yeats


I went out to the hazel wood,
Because a fire was in my head,
And cut and peeled a hazel wand,
And hooked a berry to a thread;
And when white moths were on the wing,
And moth-like stars were flickering out,
I dropped the berry in a stream
And caught a little silver trout.
When I had laid it on the floor
I went to blow the fire aflame,
But something rustled on the floor,
And some one called me by my name:
It had become a glimmering girl
With apple blossom in her hair
Who called me by my name and ran
And faded through the brightening air.
Though I am old with wandering
Through hollow lands and hilly lands.
I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands;
And walk among long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and times are done
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun.